Aparna

I wonder what this decade (alright, I know it technically starts in 2011, but still) is going to be like. I hope there’s better music for one. At any rate, a whole set of new experiences and new memories; the last one wasn’t short on that! Here’s to another great decade!

Note: This post shows up on December 31^st because it isn’t New Year’s yet in Arizona (and this blog runs on MST)! I’m in India right now and it’s January 1^st, 2010 here.

Earlier I pointed out that the needs of the individual do not come first. This is not such a big deal for people from my parents’ generation. Joint families were common in India even fifty years ago. However, people of my generation have grown up in nuclear families. While we still maintain our family ties and bonds, and while they are very strong, our view of the world is a little different. For us, our individual likes and needs are very important. I do not mean that we are selfish. It’s just that for us, priorities are a little different. We want our prospective mate to be someone we consider attractive, and whose personality that we like. Their family details are important, but not as much to a degree as their personal details. For parents, family background, religion, and caste are the most important. Though they do want their future daughter or son-in-law to be someone that their child likes, the family details are what comes first. This is the disconnect between Indian parents and their children, when it comes to searching for a boy or a girl to marry. This is also the disconnect between sites like shaadi.com and their users.

Matrimonial sites tout the ease with which one can find their soul-mate. They highlight the numerous success stories and the large number of profiles that are visible. All of this is true. There are many people who have found their soul-mates and there are a large number of profiles. But the problem inherent to all these sites is that they are not built for individuals. These sites are exclusively geared towards families (of boys and girls) looking to connect with families (of boys and girls). Yes, you can make a profile that makes it look like it comes from you, personally, but these profiles will have a hard time attracting attention. In fact, I had a huge argument with my parents when they put up my profile. I wanted to list it as coming from myself, while they wanted to list it as coming from the parents. I couldn’t understand their reasoning. I was the one looking for someone, therefore the profile had to come from me. Apparently not. It’s more “respectable” for it to come from a family, and it is the family that initiates the alliance. So there it is once again: the individual vs. the family. There are many other reasons why the site simply doesn’t work for people like me. Take the issue of photographs. India is a very conservative country, and families are extremely reluctant to put pictures of their daughters on a website. Couple that with the general ignorance regarding the working of the internet (they probably think anyone, anywhere on the internet can see pictures of their precious little princess), and you have a recipe for extreme paranoia. Therefore you will see a lot of profiles that simply don’t have any pictures, or where you have to request pictures, or where pictures are protected. Before I am accused of being too superficial, I think people are naïve if they think that looks don’t play a part. Perhaps there are people who don’t really care, and I salute you. But I will admit that I am not one of them; I need to find someone physically attractive. Anyway, that’s another argument. The other major issue is the issue of horoscopes. Indian families are usually very religious and can also be superstitious. Horoscopes play a huge part in the lives of many Indians; from starting on a journey, or looking for a job, all the way to getting married. Horoscopes are related to the Zodiac. I don’t want to go into the specific details, but it’s based on the theory that the arrangement of stars and planets at one’s birth has a significant influence on their life. So when you are looking for a spouse, you need to make sure that the “horoscopes match”. In many profiles you will see the following comment “Horoscope match is a must”. Some families won’t even consider your profile if your horoscope doesn’t match with their child’s horoscope. Being somewhat of a skeptic and also not being a fan of a deterministic future I find the whole thing funny, stupid, annoying, and bizarre at the same time. To be fair, not all Indian families think that horoscopes are important (my family doesn’t), but a lot of them do.

In addition to the two main points I brought up above, there are other little ones. Each profile has a host of different attributes about the family. Such as financial status (Lower-middle class, middle-class, rich, very rich, I’ve got my own fucking jet fool!), family values (conservative, moderately conservative, liberal, very liberal) and bunch of other stuff. Oh, yes, and as far as Nairs (the caste that I belong to) are concerned, some people also write what tharavad (ancestral homestead/family) they’re from. So the emerging pictures is this, and I reiterate: shaadi.com is not for a person looking for a another person. It’s for a family, looking for another family; it’s a problem for me, and I’m willing to wager that it’s a problem for a lot of people like me (as far as how we were brought up, i.e., outside India).

Although I find the whole situation ridiculous and frustrating, I don’t think there is a difference between what I want, and what my parents want. We both want the same thing: a good girl, with a stable family, who can be a part of our family. The difference is how we want to go about it, and the compromises we are willing to make. I know that it is unreasonable to expect to meet someone who is perfect in every way, but we want someone that is at least reasonably close. For my parents, the family is most important, and so they think it’s alright to compromise a little bit as far as the girl is concerned (You don’t like the way she looks? Looks aren’t everything you know!). But for me, it’s the girl first and the family second. I don’t see this situation changing any time soon (for me, or for the many others in my situation). I’m hopeful that eventually I’ll find someone who I’m happy with and who my family is happy with. Although I will say this: going through what I’m going now, I’m pretty sure that I don’t want my children dealing with the same thing. So maybe, hopefully, things will be different within the next twenty to thirty years…

Anyway, so I had a few conversations with my parents over the past few weeks, and the subject was marriage. No, it wasn’t something like “Son, we need to find you a girl now.” It was more like “Hey, you can start looking now if you want”. I talked about this a little bit sometime ago, and I was thinking of talking to my parents about it as well. Truth be told, I guess I’m not averse to “settling down”. The fact of the matter is that I would really like some female companionship of a serious and lasting nature in my life right now. Merely dating wouldn’t do that for me. It used to bother me that I never really dated anyone during my college years. But in retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t. I can totally see myself neglecting my academics. Also, the fact that I had no woman, meant that I wouldn’t be spending any time with her. Which meant that I had time to pursue my nerdy pursuits. Which in turn led to me picking up some really useful skills, and accomplishing some really neat things which finally led to an internship, and then, a job at Intel. So in the end, it’s not all that bad.

Actually my parents weren’t the first people to tell me that I could start looking. It was my aunt. I was in California over the 4^th of July weekend, and my aunt said that my cousin and I should “start looking” now so that we “could get married when the time comes”. I thought it was a little funny, and actually I didn’t find her idea that far-fetched. I have been sort of “pseudo-looking” – I just haven’t found anyone. So I half-jokingly tell this to my parents and they said “Oh yeah, you should start looking!” So then I decided to see what my options were. Of course, they would ideally want me to marry a Hindu, Nair, Malayalee girl. But what about a girl from another culture? A Tamilian girl perhaps? I asked them. Their response was measured, and I guess, cautious. My father only told me that it may work out initially but that difficulties could arise once children came into the picture, or possibly, even before that, and that there are greater risks. So I’m not sure if they meant it was ok or not ok for me to look for girls from another culture. My parents have never really talked to me that much about marriage, and so I was really happy to see how open-minded they were about the issue. To those who might be thinking that this has the makings of an arranged marriage, it really doesn’t. First of all, they aren’t the ones looking for a girl – they’ve left it up to me. Although, I do know that if they come across a girl they think I might like, they may recommend I get in touch with her. I don’t see that as bad either, since it’s like my parents are hooking me up. The funny part was when my father told me to put myself up on Kerala Matrimonials. He said “Oh, it’s just like a dating service!” I thought that was funny. I don’t think I’m ready for that yet though…

I’m keeping an open mind and also keeping my options open. I guess if I try and concentrate too much on one particular goal, it may close out other possibilities. If I need to find a nice Nair girl, it’s harder for me, because there are very few Malayalees in Arizona. But I hear there are many in California and Texas. Oh well. I don’t think I’ll actively go around looking, but I’ll keep my eyes and ears open. At any rate, there’s no point in looking now, because I’m going to be in Iraq for a year. Now what are the odds of meeting a Hindu, Nair, Malayalee girl there? I’d laugh if I met one – in the Army nonetheless!

I find myself seriously questioning certain facets of my life. First, am I happy? I guess I am… but it would be more accurate to say that I am mostly content. My job is a pleasure – I do what I enjoy doing most – writing code. But at other times I feel seriously apathetic about my life. I mean, I go to work from 8 to 5. I pick up my dog, Honey, from Sadhana’s home (I am really thankful to her family for taking care of her), I spend maybe half an hour there with her parents and grandma, and of course, Juju and Nimbus. After that, I come back home. I check my mail (real mail), pay bills, have dinner, write some of my own code, and then I head to bed. That’s it. That’s my day… how boring.

I sometimes want to go back to being in College. Each day was different. But then again, when I was in college, I wanted the stability of a normal job. I guess the grass is greener on the other side. My friends are still here, but of course, they have their own lives and the things that they need to do. My family is here and I do talk to them on occasion (although I should call my mom and dad much more frequently). They’re always there for me and I have never felt neglected by them.

I guess things changed a lot when I graduated. When I was in school, there was always someone I could interact with on a regular basis. Now that’s not there. It’s much harder for me to interact with any of my friends because I don’t see them that much. I guess what I am saying is that I feel pretty lonely at times. In response to that most of my friends might be saying “get a girlfriend” and some might even say “go get married now”. As far as the second one goes, please, I am only 23. The first one? Well. I am picky. Not that there is a serious lack of women to go around, but the fact is that I am picky about who I want to be with. No, I’m not on the look out for “that special someone” and I don’t believe that there is any one person with whom I am compatible. I’m sure there’s a whole range. But of course, that set, when intersected with the ones that my parents would find compatible, leaves a much smaller set. But still, it’s one that can be worked with.

So now you might be saying “so what? just date someone for fun!”. Can’t do that. I consider it a waste of time. “WTF?!”, you say. Well.., let’s say I date a girl… I go out with her… and then what? Eventually there comes a point when I have to break it off because I can’t make the committment. I am going into the relationship without the intent of ever making one, so logically, what is the point? I guess it would be different if it was mutually agreed upon that there wouldn’t be a committment, but that is rarely the case. So in that sense, am I looking for someone with whom I can have a long-term committment? Yes. With can being the operative word. That word has a lot of import. I have to think about what my parents want as well. They would want me to marry a nice, Malayalee, Hindu, Nair girl. I am not averse to that at all. In fact, that’s what I would like ideally, because then my parents and I are in total agreement. Some of my friends say that I am closing out a lot of options if I think of it that way. Yes, that’s true. I am aware that as an individual there are definitely women who I am compatible with, but aren’t any of the things that my parents want (for me). Therein lies the problem.

An Indian Marriage isn’t just the union of two individuals. It is the union and alliance of two families. In that sense, I can understand the cultural isolation that my wife could feel in the presence of my family, and vice-versa. And also the awkwardness and lack of any common ground when both families meet. But then again, there are cross-cultural marriages that do work, and work well. So I guess I am saying is that I don’t want to go through the trouble of it all. Which in a sense might be chickening out. I myself am not sure what it is. There are certain things I want, and I think I might have them better if I were to be with a woman who is aligned as closely to me as possible. For example, I consider my culture very important. My customs and traditions are very important to me. This is something I would like to pass on to my children. And this isn’t because of some misplaced sense of pride or superiority. No. I consider culture and tradition to be something that has evolved over a period of so many generations and so many hundreds of years. Something built upon the traditions and observances of the generations that have passed. I feel I should try and preserve as much of that as possible. Otherwise, something precious will be lost. I might be able to make it work with a girl from a different culture – something that is still close to mine – a girl from Tamil Nadu for example. Tamilians and Malayalees have reasonably similar languages and customs. But even still, between these two similar cultures, there are a vast number of differences… and with differences, arises the possibility of conflict (but isn’t there conflict in any marriage?). What if she is as concerned about her culture as I am of mine? What would the children learn? Would they be confused? Would it be cause for conflict between she and I? Almost always, one side has to give way. The children end up knowing one side better than the other. Is that a problem? I don’t know. When I was younger, and therefore more idealistic and naïve, I thought I could easily make it all work, and it didn’t matter who I married. Somewhere along the way I realized that real life isn’t so simple.

I guess my dilemma right now is that I don’t know if I’m limiting my options too much. I can’t say. Most of my friends have someone special. Sometimes I find it hard being around them sometimes because I feel that I’ve missed out on that aspect of life. It would certainly alleviate a lot of the loneliness that I feel… But then again, I’m only 23… a lot can happen in the next few years.

So… am I being too picky? God knows… but that’s also why I think it may be nice to get away from all of this for a while… get everything in order.

I can’t believe I wrote all this crap on a public website for the world to see. Someday I am going to read this and laugh… or regret writing it… or possibly both. Is there such a thing as a regretful laugh?

SuperXam: a lot of my friends are getting married
SuperXam: and it’s kinda weird
nassmo17: oh i know…not to mention pooja popping a kid out
SuperXam: oh yeah that’s just the icing on the cake
SuperXam: that is if marriage and having kids was a cake… you know… with icing
nassmo17: oh definitely…I’ve always thought of that as cake
SuperXam: i think it can be a good cake

That makes so much sense.

I haven’t been doing anything at all here. It gets a little boring at times. The day passes quickly though for some reason. I went to this kid’s first birthday yesterday. It turns out I am an uncle of sorts, because the kid’s mom is my second-cousin, which makes the kid my nephew. Crazy. Anyway, the party was good. There was good food. That is one thing I will miss when I come back to Arizona. The amazing food… sigh. You know, I am almost tempted to ask my parents to find me a nice Malayalee Hindu Nair girl who can cook some nice avial or something. I think they will be more than happy to do so. Actually, I must say that I have seen some really gorgeous girls here. That’s why there are not that many pretty Malayalee girls in Arizona. All of them are here in Kerala.

It rained like crazy yesterday – for almost the entire day. It hasn’t rained at all today. There is nothing much going on other than that. I am starting to like this cyber-cafe. It’s pretty neat. I am pleasantly surprised by the availability of broadband.

I tried to transfer the pictures from my digital camera to this computer. However, the computer does not have a CD drive. It has a USB port, but no CD drive. So, I cannot install the digital camera software. I am going to try it on another computer. I have close to seventy pictures, with a lot more to come. I will try to get the pictures onto the computer today. Otherwise, I will have to do it when I get back to Arizona.